Amy's Own Twilight Saga
by sapphire.snail
Summary: This is a PARODY of the entire Twilight series, including Midnight Sun... when I get there. It does NOT follow any of the legit plot. I also wrote this BEFORE I read the series so I had little knowledge of the characters. Caution: Severe Profanity!
1. Twilight

**(**A/N: I don't own Twilight. AND I just googled "Twilight characters" in order to get the character's names. That's why Esme is a little out of place.. xD)**

Book 1: Twilight

As dawn broke (whoa, already?) on the small town of Princeton-Hellen Quincy, or PHQ (say that out loud, BTW) for short, Bella awoke from her perfect, dreamless sleep. As she rolled out of her king-sized bed and onto her newly carpeted bedroom, she immediately ran across her rather large room straight to the full-length mirror.

"lolololz. good morning, beautiful. U b tres radiant!" Bella told herself, fluffing her astonishingly long hair, which happened to be filled with breakage and split ends.

Bella then bounced all the way down her three flights of stairs since her house was just that huge.

"GOOD MORNING BELLA. WOW YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD TODAY. DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR? WHOOPS, IS THAT THE TIME? I MUST BE GOING SO I'LL SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL," Bella's mom, AnnaMarie-Claire Elizabeth Courtney Swan the II said.

"lololz omg mom okayyy~! & I know I look good. Ahahahah it's just in my jeans. I mean genes… like whatevv." Bella answered and began making toast.

As many people may have guessed already, Bella is Miss Rich and Fabulous. Although she may be dumb, she seems to get everything she wants, whenever she wants. People like her piss me off, you know?

So you're probably wondering just who exactly I am. Well, I'll tell you. My name is Esme Cullen. I've been stalking Bella for quite some time now… I've heard she's taking an interest in my relative Edward. No one touches him inappropriately without me knowing… or joining in.;D So anyway, back to the story.

"OMGZZ! STUPID TOASTER! WHY WON'T YOU TURN ON!?. Ugh whatevs I'm trying to lose weight N.E. way. I'll just starve myself I guess tehehehhahaha" Bella then pranced off to school. She literally leaped the whole way there.

**AT SCHOOL**:

"LOLOL omg hi Eddy!" Bella squealed as she saw Edward… not even acknowledging there was someone else talking with him.

"Um, excuse me, bitch. I believe I'm also standing right here. The least you could do is recognize my existence!" Alice said glaring at Bella over her emo glasses.

"ahahah o okay hi. SO EDWARD, when are we getting married!?!?" Bella asked, overly excited to see Edward and under-ly excited to see Alice.

"I have to go to class now," Edward said, leaving the awkward conversation as quickly as possible.

"lol, that was weird lyk seriously. So what's ^ with you A-LICE?"

"I hate you," Alice replied and went off to class, which happened to be computers with yours truly.

Unfortunately, my stalking skills can only be put into effect after school. During school I'm forced to take retarded classes such as computers. Seriously. Waste of my life.

**COMPUTER CLASS with Alice & Esme**

"Esme, I'm so glad you're here. I need to vent. So I ran into Bella this morning and she was all over Edward. I mean, that's kind of gross considering I'm standing right there and like, I'm his relative so have some respect, you know? And the worst thing is she didn't even notice I was there! One track mind, much? Jeez, some people can just be so oblivious and disrespectful! Okay I'm finished," Alice finished.

"WHAT THE FUCK. MACY GRAY GET OFF MY RADIO STATION!" I screamed. I hate computers so much you don't even understand. I'm trying to at least listen to some decent music to drown out Negative Nancy who happens to be sitting next to me telling me a story about Bella Dancerella or something like that.

"WHOA, are you even listening to me? Ugh, I thought you would at least listen to my problems and help me out but nooo, all you care about is Macy Gray!" Alice yelled.

_I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble~_

"BITCH, I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU IN ONE MINUTE IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OFF MY RADIO STATION!"

_Go ahead and try you goddamn piece of shit~_

"WTF. YOU'RE GOING DOWN MACY GRAY!"

I'm sorry to report that the rest of this event was far too gruesome to relive… let alone write about. Needless to say, I was kicked out of school. But lucky me! Alice, Edward, and Bella all decided to drop out of school on the same day! Convenience?

**OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL with Alice, Edward, Esme, & Bella.**

"lolol Eddy you are sooo hawt!" Bella said, sitting basically on top of Edward like a total and complete skank.

"I TOLD YOU TO GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU SLUT!" Alice screamed, pushing Bella into a tree and fell over as soon as Bella hit into it.

"…What the hell? Do you weigh like 900lbs?!" Alice asked, obviously shocked that Bella knocked a tree down.

"ahahhhah I told u I was going on a diet."

"You didn't tell me that…"

"LOL OH YEA I told my stalker."

"…Stalker? What? Where? I don't see a stalker," I covered that up so well… she'll never suspect a thing.

"Since I was born, I started to decay. Now nothing goes my way," Edward said, looking up at the sky.

"Creepy Creepertin…" Alice commented.

"OMGWTF ALICEEE HAHAHA that was soo good Ed!!! is that some more angsty lyrics you're working on?!" Bella asked.

"These are not angst lyrics… these are words that summarize my pitiful and meaningless life in a swirling mist of black and white pasted on a sheet of angelic white purity," Edward concluded.

"ahah oh… Wait whut."

"He means he's just writing some poetry on a piece of paper, you stupid bitch," Alice clarified.

"It's much more than just poetry… it's-"

"Okay, Edward, we get it… look guys, there's something I have to tell you about Macy Gray…" I tried to catch their attention to tell them that the police will be here any minute to arrest me, and that I need a place to hide out for a couple of days, but it's impossible to catch anyone's attention with Edward writing about his irrational teenage angst.

"ahaha prettayyy. Write something about mee!!!!!" Bella begged.

"I'd rather drink gasoline and then swallow a match," Edward stated.

"See Bella? He's _obviously_ not interested in you," Alice tried to explain.

"lolol shutup stupid Alice! He's not writing NE thing about you so just STFU gawd," Bella argued.

"SERIOUSLY. Everyone just shut up. I need to tell you that-" I couldn't get a word in no matter what.

"OMG ED! LOOK DA STARZ!" Bella shouted, looking up at the sky.

"Wait a minute, we live in a city, you can't see stars…" Alice wondered.

"You can only see stars when it's… Twilight," Edward said, daydreaming.

Just then, my worst nightmare came true. I heard sirens coming from only two blocks away. I knew they'd have search dogs coming out soon… and I hated dogs. They're nasty little motherfrackers. If they didn't have hair it would be so much better. I'm allergic, and I hate carrying around my inhaler… people start to think I'm a nerd or something.

Anyway, just as dusk turned into twilight, the police were coming towards us. As if by instinct, everyone started running… where we were running, none of us knew.

"OWAAHHHH!" we all heard Bella scream, and for some reason, we were all concerned… first time for everything I guess.

"lolz I fell in a hole guys. Zomg, there's lyk a cave thingy in here!" Bella shouted up from the hole.

"I say we just leave her there," Alice said.

"…When a life meets another life… something is born," Edward replied.

"Well, it could be a pretty good hiding place for criminals… I say we join her!" I said, only looking out for my well-being… to hell with everyone else. I jumped inside the hole and was soon followed by Edward and Alice.

"Ew, it's kind of gross in here," Alice commented.

"It kind of reminds me of my life…" Edward said.

"LOLOL you mean yur life b4 me. O=)" Bella said.

"Well, it's looks like we'll be staying in here for awhile…" I reassured everyone.

"How the fuck is that reassuring? But how long?!" Alice panicked.

"Uhh I'd say until the New Moon."

"ahahah I lyk moonz! soo romantic! Right ed?"

"Moons… no oxygen… suffocation… darkness… death…"

"WHEN'S THE NEW MOON!?"

"How should I know when the new moon is," I said, "I'm not a vampire."

"LOLOLOL I'MMA VAMP!"

"STFU no you're not. Jeez you're so annoying," Alice slapped Bella across the face.

"Blood is quite delicious. I think I might be a vampire. I rise with the moon and sink with the sun. Plus the smell of garlic makes me want to commit suicide… but then again, so does seeing a shooting star," Edward stated.

"…well, Edward, we're all relying on you to tell us when the New Moon will be!" I told him.

"I will not fail you. Unless I die first…"

And so, we all fell asleep into a very tense and awkward sleep.

**(**A/N: I wrote this only after hearing all of the negative rumors about the book. I had no idea about the characters or the plot of the actual novel. I am currently reading the series and think it's actually quite brilliant. This is only a joke! No hard feelings? ;D**

**Review if you're feeling up to it!)**


	2. New Moon

**(**A/N: I do not own Twilight.)**

Book 2: New Moon

As the next morning came quicker than any of us could have anticipated, Bella and Alice were already at each other's throats.

"omgg lol y isn't Edward awake yetttttt?" Bella questioned.

"I'm surprised he's not awake since you're yelling so LOUD," Alice retorted.

"ahah ur the one screamingg. Lol, shutup you don't want to wake up Ed!"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure I do want to wake him up… we need a little of his sanity this morning. Speaking of, what time is it?"

"Since when is Edward sane?! Oh, and it's 5:52am," I responded, looking at my rather chic platinum gold watch I stole from Bella while she wasn't home.

"ahahh wowee I have the same watch as you!"

"Dumbass," I mumbled, snickering to myself.

"ahahh whut?"

"WHY ARE WE ALL AWAKE AT 6am?" Alice questioned.

"My head, it aches with the pain of the past, present, and the future," Edward awoke, "What is with all of the unnecessary screaming? You should only be screaming if you're being molested, tortured, or are venting."

"OMGGGG LOLOLO GOOD MORNING EDWARD!"

"What did I just say?" Edward said, chucking a shoe at Alice.

"What the fuck!? I didn't even say anything! You're so rude! I CAN'T EVEN STAND SEEING YOUR FACE!" Alice screamed.

"ahaha mine!?"

"Yes, yours too."

"Enough. Edward! Do you think there is going to be a New Moon tonight!?" I questioned, hoping that would be a 'yes' so we can all go our separate ways and get the hell out of this hole of morons.

"I don't know. It's not like I can tell the future or anything," Edward commented.

"Heh…" Alice snickered.

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK SHIT ALICE! If you could have just looked into the future, we could have had this whole situation planned out!" I screamed in utter disgust. And then, without another word, I climbed my ass all the way out of that hole. I never wanted to be in a situation like that again.

"Wait, Esme! Don't go out there! I looked into the future and there's-"

"…death?"

"NO! The police have been stalking out this hole for the entire night!"

But the warning came too late.

"Excuse me, are you Esme Cullen?"

_Goddamn shit fuck. I have to think of something quick._

"hahaha nooo I'm lyk Bella hehehe" _My brilliance is showing~._

"Oh, then you can go wherever it is you were going," the dumbass police officer said.

"teeheeh THX!" I hated acting like Bella, but she kind of had it coming to her.

**BACK IN THE HOLE with Bella, Edward, & Alice.**

"lololz I dun want to stay in here NE more." Bella said, and climbed out. (I'm not sure how I'm still able to see anyone even though I ran off… I'm magic, I suppose.)

"Alice, aren't you going to warn her not to go up there?" Edward asked innocently.

"Wha? Psh, fuck no. Besides, how did you know Esme was pretending to be Bella? Other then the fact that she said it out loud only 3 feet above us," Alice questioned.

"With some newly acquired knowledge, I am able to read minds… I just happened to be reading Esme's at the time," Edward answered.

**ABOVE THE HOLE with Bella & Police.**

"Whoa there, you ugly looking piece of crap, what's your name?" the police officer asked.

"lolz ur funny. I am soo not ugly mmkay? But NE way I'm Bella Swan a-duh," Bella answered, falling right into my trap.

"AHA! That's a lie! Someone already tried that! You must be Esme!" the officer accused.

"lol, whut? No no I have some ID k?" Bella then fucked up my whole plan by showing the cop her ID.

"Oh, okay then. Sorry about that. This job is so stressful you know? No one brings us donuts anymore," the officer responded.

"lolz, donuts r bad 4 u NE way. I'm on a diet u know?"

"Okay so you can leave whenever you want."

"NUH-UH. NOT W/O MY EDDY!"

"Uh, where is he at?"

"lolz in a hole. Right thurr."

"Hm, okay, I'll get him out."

"AHAH WTF EW NO YOU PERVY MAN! I'll do it myself."

"Okay, I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts."

So with the completely useless police officer out of the way, Bella then bent over the hole to help Edward. Take that any way you want she's a slut anyway.

"EDDYYY! GRAB MY HAND!"

"Calm down, he's not grabbing anything of yours," Alice yelled up.

"I'm enjoying myself in this dark abyss. It allows my mind to wander to the darkest corner of the universe. It allows me to finally feel at peace with my constantly raging emotions and unsettling anxiety," Edward replied.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure it's not 'raging emotions' or 'unsettling anxiety' you probably just have to use the toilet. You drank sour milk yesterday," Alice said.

"WHAT? Why didn't you warn me?" Edward yelled for the first time in his life, other than when he's singing in his hardcore band.

"I thought you could read minds," Alice said in a rather accusing voice.

"EDWARDD~ LET'S ESCAPE FROM THAT BITCH AND GET MARRIED3 K?" Bella shouted down.

"Marriage is only for people who are happy in life… my life will only leak into yours like when you're writing a very important essay for school and your pen explodes on the paper," Edward stated.

"You know, that wasn't as dismal as usual…" Alice commented.

"Yeah well… that's life… or mine anyway."

"LOLOLZ SRSLY ED GET YUR BUTT UP HERE HAHA"

"Okay, let's go up just to get her to shut up," Alice decided.

**ON REGULAR GROUND with Bella, Alice, & Edward.**

"AHAHA edward~ I missed you sooo0 much!" Bella then began half-raping Edward.

"WHOA. Get the fuck off of him you slut!" Alice yelled.

"…I don't like pleasure," Edward said.

"LOLz OH YA. Where'd Esme go?!" Bella asked.

"She took a vacation to the island of Shut the Hell Up," Alice answered.

"Wowzz people must go there a lot!"

"Actually, she's probably taking cover from the New Moon. If she's caught in it, she'll burst into flames… even though it sounds nice, it probably hurts a lot. But that's okay, I enjoy pain," Edward explained.

"We should probably go find her and help her out!" Alice said.

"lololz ya I agree. Tehehe Esme's a cool kat."

So the journey to locate ME began. It only took them a total of three hours to finally figure out that I was hiding in my house. I guess stalking skills doesn't run in the family… and Bella's just an idiot so she's excused.

"ESME! Open up! We're trying to help you!" Alice shouted through the door.

"Okay, then, come in. It's not like I was trying to keep you out or anything," I responded.

"Oh, I thought you were avoiding us," Alice said.

"ahaha she's avoiding u xDDD haha" Bella laughed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU COMPLETE PIECE OF TRASH! How do you wake up and look in the mirror everyday?" Alice screamed.

"aahah BC I'm pretty unlike you duh."

"I am unfortunate enough to never see anything beautiful. Many people think rainbows are beautiful, or a waterfall. But all I see is hell disguised as an angel pouring down from the heavens. You must not fall for these lies! Bella! You are not beautiful! It's just the devil mirror trying to deceive you!" Edward said.

"hahah ur soo weird but that's y I LOVE you~!"

"Anyway, I'm kind of hungry, so I'd say we make some food!" Alice suggested.

"I enjoy the feeling of starvation," Edward stated.

"Okay, well, I'm making food anyway and you better eat it or else," Alice threatened.

"ahah he already ate it ;D"

"YOU ARE SO FUCKING DISGUSTING! GET THE HELL OUT!"

"tehehe noo. But I'm soo sorry so I'll make every1 some food!"

So somehow, all of us agreed to allow Bella to cook everyone dinner, which was the biggest mistake of our young lives. While she was busy cooking in the kitchen, Edward, Alice and I all discussed what we were going to do when the Eclipse came.

"This is a very important day for us! This is when all of our plans are put into action. We need to plan this out perfectly," Alice explained.

"I've been dreaming of this day ever since I started cutting my wrists." Edward said.

"So, ALICE, what is your plan of action?" I asked, I was of course excited for this day. Oh yes, I never explained to you what the big plans were. Probably because they were secret and no one else other then the Cullens are supposed to know about them. But I'll break the rule and tell you anyway. On the day of the Eclipse, we Cullens are planning on massacring everyone in the whole entire world and having us inbreed and have the perfect clan! Genius, right? Only our brilliant Alice would be able to think of it.

"Ah, yes. So after the New Moon passes tonight, we will start in this pitiful city of PHQ. Then, we will move to the smaller surrounding towns that are filled with hicks and losers who celebrate Trailer Trash Tuesday," Alice finished.

"I love the smell of blood. The color of blood. The taste-"

"Sounds good," I ended this dangerous conversation as quickly as possible.

However, as soon as our plans were finished being made we heard the most terrifying word come from Bella's mouth as she ran out of the kitchen:

"FI-YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Or fire, in normal person speech.

All of us quickly ran out of the house faster than a racehorse can piss. But that was my downfall. As soon as I stepped out onto the lush, yellow, dried out grass, I was exposed to the non-existent light of the New Moon. And then, I felt cold, dark, and lonely. Now I know how Edward feels all the time. I then realized that I had burst into flames… but don't worry; my magical stalking skills will keep this story going even after my… death.

**(**A/N: Yayy! Leave reviews!)**


	3. Eclipse

**(**A/N: I don't own Twilight.  
ANDDD. i'm very sorry for not updating sooner. i forgot i posted a story on here HAAA. okay. now down to business: here's the new chapter!)**

Book 3: Eclipse

"ahaha where'd Esme go?" Bella questioned like a complete retard.

"She burst into flames. Kind of like my hopes, dreams, and ambitions for having a normal and happy life," Edward said.

"lolz ok."

"EDWARD! Do you realize how terrible this is? The massacre!" Alice cried out in agony.

"Hey Alice, if you accidentally typo your name on the computer, you spell out Slice," Edward's thoughts then shifted to the razorblade he kept within his reach at all times.

"ahaha Ed I dun like seeing you bleeeeeed," Bella whined.

"It's okay, I don't age," Edward reassured.

"What does that have to do with _anything_?" Alice was getting frustrated about the fact that I had burst into flames, and can no longer assist her in killing people.

"Are you serious? It has to do with everything. Since I don't age, I never grow old. Which means I'll be stuck in this torturous life forever… that means for all of eternity. I'll relive my painful life over and over and over…" Edward trailed off.

"Um, you're ageless, not immortal," Alice explained.

"Oh. Thanks for ruining my life even more, Slice."

"It's Alice."

"ahaah slice xD"

With the eclipse approaching quicker with each passing second, Alice and Edward stood in the middle of the dried out, hard as nails grass and pondered what to do.

"We could always replace Esme with Bella… I mean, what are our other options?" Edward proposed. Like hell he'll replace me with that crackwhore.

"I suppose you're right. It's not like we're on a game show where we'd need an extra brain…" Alice agreed.

"lololz so whut am I doing???" Bella wondered.

"Bella, pay close attention-"

"LOLL omgg Edwarddd! Can I see your switchblade?!"

"EDWARD! Maybe you should explain the situation to her."

"Hmph. My life couldn't suck more. Okay so listen, Bella. Alice and I need you to help us out on a secret mission. All you have to do is get a weapon, stand behind a bush, and use that weapon against anyone that walks by," Edward explained, while the visions of killing people danced in his head.

"ahah NE thing 4 u Ed!!"

So that day, Bella went into the local and creepishly hopping hunting store. Once inside, various bows, arrows, knives up the wazoo, rifles, revolvers, and even a pitchfork or two, greeted her.

"hmm so many options… whut to gettt… excuse me sir!" Bella called out to the shopkeeper.

"Ho ho ho! Hi there! What can I do ya for?" the shopkeeper asked.

"lolz Santa much? NE way, I need a good weapon that can kill a lot of ppl."

"Oh-Ho! We have just the thing for you, young missy. Check it out, the latest model in machine guns. It's called BTHOTBAFAP 9000. But we call it the BoFap for short."

"ahaha wow what's it stand 4?"

"Ho! Glad you asked! It stands for: blow the head off this bitch as fast as possible."

"lololz kkayy sounds wunderfilled. I'll take it!"

"Oh-Ho! You didn't ask how much it is!"

"k so how much?"

"…hmphlegurggle, how much you got?"

"ah-ha-ah-ha how much do you think?"

"Oh-Ho! I'd say about $500."

"LOLZ I'm not that cheap. I got $40,000 in CASH!"

"Ho ho! Is that so? Then you're lucky! That's exactly how much this gun is!"

"YUS! Edward will b soo happee! THX mister!"

"Ho! No problem! Have fun watching some heads roll!"

**PLANNING with Edward, Alice, & Bella.**

"Okay, now that we all have our weapons, we should get into position. The Eclipse starts in exactly 4 minutes. From there, we'll have 8 minutes to massacre everyone in the city," Alice explained.

"Dream big I suppose," Edward stated.

"Shut the hell up with that negativity! We can do this!"

"lolz ya we got this grlz!"

"…I'm a guy."

"WHATEVER! We need to get into position!"

So everyone broke off into his or her required area. Edward was stationed in a tree so he could cover the sky, Alice was knocking on people's doors and blowing their heads off, and Bella was hiding in a bush to catch people that tried to run away. They're sick bastards, I know.

Bella's thoughts: "lolz, this is so exciting I just might piss myself!"

Alice's thoughts: "Heh heh, I can't wait to see the look on their faces before I blow them to oblivion!"

Edward's thoughts: "Death must be so beautiful. Why can't I be as lucky as the people in this city?"

And just then, the Eclipse began.

"EIGHT MINUTES OF PURE FROLICK AND GAYNESS!" Alice shouted and began knocking on doors and blowing people up.

"ahah Alice is a psycho. Why can't I b like her?"

"Alice is having a little too much fun. Too much fun can kill you, you know. WAIT A MINUTE! Fun can kill? I think I'm onto something…" Edward pondered, no longer paying attention to situation at hand.

_Like OMG! Some1 is running towards me! Whut should I doo? Kill them? I dun think I can! _Bella thought to herself… obviously.

"BELLA MY BITCH, KILL THE FUCKER!" Alice shouted.

"lolz uhh okaaay…" Bella then aimed the gun and shot… and missed.

"Coldness, blood, lightheadedness. I feel death's icy breath crawling up my spine like some fatal disease working it's way through my bloodstream," Edward thought, looking down at the bullet hole through his heart.

"EDWARDD LOLZ OMG I'M SOOO SRY!" Bella cried out.

"It's okay, Bella, you'll get the next one," Alice said, surprisingly supportive of this vital mistake.

"Finally, my dream has come true at last. I feel happy, and somewhat sad to be leaving this ill-fated world. Goodbye Alice, I'll tell Esme you said hello," Edward said, and then dropped out of the tree like a sack of feesh. Or fish.

"EDWARD! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE DYING! I can't do this by myself! Whyyy??????" Alice said, finally comprehending the situation.

"Alice, let him go, we have to finish this massacre by the break of dawn," Bella said… in human language.

"Wha? Bella? How could you be so cold? Your lover just died! Gone forever like that Three Days Grace song!" Alice said tears trickling down her face.

"Alice. You don't understand. I think I've finally found my place in life. And that's here with you, killing people and becoming the rulers of the world," Bella stated.

"Are you kidding me? The plan is fucked now! How are we supposed to inbreed if we're both girls!" Alice yelled.

"It's called a sex change… 1-2-3 NOT IT!"

"BELLA! We'll kill all of the sex change specialists! Where's your head at?"

With Alice's plans gone array and Bella at a power-hungry stage in her life… what will the world look like when dawn breaks?

**(**A/N: you know. reviews are always welcome!!)**


	4. Breaking Dawn

**(**A/N: I don't own Twilight.)**

Book 4: Breaking Dawn

"Hey Edward, long time no talk," I said, finally happy to see at least someone I knew. I mean, being dead isn't that great, you know? I'm with a bunch of old people and a lot of them have been brutally murdered and decided it would be best to tell me their entire life story.

"Hey Esme. So… were you kind of watching over us this whole time? Like Satan?" Edward asked.

"…Not like Satan… more like a guardian angel," I responded.

"What's an angel? I've never heard of such beings. But I am well aware of all the devils and demons in this world… or in THAT world," Edward said, pointing down to where Alice and Bella were screaming at each other.

"Yeah well, I guess we all can't be chipper, positive people," I commented.

"Amen to that… I guess."

"Hey! You can't say 'amen' while in heaven! That's against the law!" said a rather familiar looking police officer.

"Dude, don't I know you?" I asked.

"Yeah, you're Bella, right? Wow, you've improved on your speech! Do you know where the donuts are around this joint?" the officer asked.

"It's sinful to refer to 'heaven' as a 'joint,'" Edward replied.

"Edward, you don't even know what heaven is," I said.

"Ah! Touché!"

So now that we ditched that random police officer roaming around heaven, Edward and I will continue the story.

"Yes. Finally the readers can view the world through my bloodshot eyes. They can finally see that it is filled with hateful and disgusting people. They will finally believe me when I say that they need to be put out of their misery. Although I quite enjoy the feeling of misery," Edward ranted.

"But you don't know the feeling of joy, so how can you enJOY misery?"

"Ah! Touché!"

"Okay enough."

**BACK ON EARTH with Bella & Alice.**

"Alice, get your head on straight! You've taught me everything I know, and now you're the one setting a terrible example for me! We're supposed to be cool-headed and become the rulers of this world! How can we do that if you're going psycho?" Bella questioned.

"Bella, what is wrong with you? Like really. What is wrong with you? Someone you actually liked, Esme, died and now your lover died! How can you still want to carry out this mission? Besides, this was supposed to make the Cullen family the rulers! Not a Cullen and a Dove or whatever the crap your last name is!" Alice responded, flustered.

"It's Swan, get it right, okay? Anyway, I think this is truly my goal in life! You've opened my eyes to what I need to be doing! And if you're not going to help me achieve it, then I'm going to go off on my own and finish this up myself!" Bella said.

"Good luck then! You only have 2 minutes until the Eclipse is over, and then you have roughly 7 hours before dawn breaks! If you can't get it in before dawn, you're done for," Alice said.

"And why am I done for? What's going to happen at the break of dawn?"

"Don't you know what day it's going to be?"

"MY BIRTHDAY?!"

"No. It is going to be October 31st at the break of dawn! And you know what happens on October 31st," Alice said menacingly.

"TRICK-OR-TREATING?"

"What happened to all your knowledge!? No! Not trick-or-treating, the entire dead rise from their graves! That means Edward and Esme are going to come back from the dead and help ME finish out this mission!"

"So why were you just freaking out about Esme and Edward being dead if they were just going to come back to life this entire time?"

"Because! This day was unnecessary but actually an ace-in-the-hole if you know what I mean."

"…Ace in what hole? If you know what I mean…"

"What."

"Nevermind! I'll show all you super-duper cocky bitch-ass Cullens who's the real winner in this village! Town! City! WORLD!" And with that, Bella stormed off with her BoFap 9000 and started shooting it all over the place.

Within the remaining 2 minutes of the Eclipse, Bella managed to completely annihilate everyone in the town… to everyone's surprise. Where she went next, not even my amazing stalking skills could follow. So I followed Alice instead.

"When am I going to get a chance to narrate?" Edward asked.

"What do you think this is? Midnight Sun or something?"

"Isn't that just another term for an Eclipse?"

"Psh, uh, erm, ugh, no! And why do you always capitalize Eclipse?"

"We're giving it respect, a-duh."

"Okay you've been in heaven way too long."

"I've been in hell way too long actually."

"HEY! NO MENTIONING HELL WHILST IN HEAVEN! IT'S A RULE!" said that creepy, almost as good as me, stalker police officer.

ANYWAY, so Alice began trudging back to her Cullen estate and needed to revise her plans and obviously get ready for the return of Edward and I. We expect the house to be completely cleaned too. Oh yeah, and I hope Alice doesn't forget that we want turkey for dinner. Oh, no, wait, bratwurst is much better.

"I can't believe this! After seeing Bella completely destroy the city in less than 2 minutes, I wonder how far she can get in 7 hours! Maybe I should have stuck around with her to slow her down a little bit… she can get deadly out of control… Edward and Esme better not be slacking off when they get here," Alice said out loud to herself as she often does.

"What the crap is she talking about? Slacking off? Esme and the words slacking and off don't even belong in the same sentence!" I responded with disgust.

"What if the sentence is, 'Esme, can you believe how much Bella is slacking off?'"

"Edward. I think I'm more worried about you now. Are you aware that after the break of dawn, we only have 24 hours to destroy the entire world and Bella?"

"Well, think of it this way, Bella is probably taking out a vast majority of the population right now… so all we have to do is finish the job! And plus, Bella will be tired after the all night killing spree…"

"When did you start thinking positive?"

"Ever since that police officer set down a new law that 'when in heaven, one must think positive or else be sent to hell!'"

"I thought you liked hell?"

"What's up with all these plot-hole snuffers today?"

"I mean, I think the author should stay consistent with her characters' personalities," I pointed out.

"Aren't YOU the author?"

"PLOT-HOLE SNUFFER!"

So finally, 6 hours and 57 minutes later, Alice began cooking the bratwurst. I don't know why she'd bother, everyone knows that bratwurst takes at least 4 hours to cook. But I guess we're there for a mission, not for the bratwurst… but I mean seriously, I spent _days_ teaching Alice how to properly cook bratwurst!

"I hope my bratwurst doesn't come out like Esme's… God, that was nasty," Alice commented to herself like she always does on a regular basis.

"God! I swear that my bratwurst actually does taste good!" I said.

"You shouldn't swear! Who are you swearing to? Me?!" God replied.

"Actually, she's swearing to Satan, since Satan is the devil and swearing is bad," Edward reassured.

"YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT SATAN IN HEAVEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" the police officer said.

"Aw, thanks! I love you too!" God said.

"About time! Three minutes are up!" I said, finally happy to return and see Alice's face again.

**ON EARTH with Alice, Edward, and Esme.**

"Long time no see!" Alice said with a chuckle.

"No time for chitter-chatter! Let's rock!" Edward said.

"Whoa, what happened to him?" Alice questioned.

"I don't want to talk about it," I responded.

With all of the important Cullens back to life, we all set off for our journey to destroy the entire planet… and then take on our biggest challenge… a mentally smart Bella.

**(**A/N: reviews pleasee~!)**


	5. Midnight Sun

**(**A/N: I don't own Twilight eeeeeeeeh.)**

Book 5: Midnight Sun

It was a dark, rainy, and rather sour morning. Just how I liked it. The birds were not chirping, seeing as Bella killed them all on her way to the next continent or wherever that crazy bitch was headed.

"I say, we hunt her down like a pack of wolves!" Alice yelped.

"What the hell that's not even something to joke about," Esme scolded.

"WHAT DID I JUST UTTER? Let's rock already, jesus." I had to light a fire under everyone's asses or else we'd be sitting here all day arguing about friggen wolves.

So finally, we all decided to put our extra abilities to good use for the first time in a long time. I mean, we're all just so useless. The whole world is useless actually. Especially when God decides to grace us with a stereotypical 'beautiful' day complete with sunshine and rainbows and happiness. All that gayness makes me want to puke up blood and intestines. Oh, and then you have this wise ass that passes you on the street and says, 'How are you today?' Like, mind your own business. Do I even know you? No, so why should you care how my day is going? I don't care how your day is going. Seriously, people should consider redefining 'happiness' in the dictionary… it's getting out of hand.

"No, Edward, _you're_ getting out of hand. You're so emo I don't think I'll be able to properly collaborate with you," Alice commented on my thoughts.

"How can you even hear what I'm thinking? You can only see the future," I said, calling her out.

"Excuse me? You want to say that to my mom?" Alice challenged.

"Huh?" Esme tuned in.

"Never mind this rubbish, we must find Bella before…" I trailed off… honestly trying to come up with a witty remark.

"Before what? The midnight sun rises to its peak at exactly 12:00am?" Alice laughed at herself. Which was okay considering she looked pretty funny.

"12:00am? That's my kind of hour!" a voice appeared out of nowhere.

"JACOB, FUCKING NO." I was in no mood for any foolishness in _my_ part of the book.

"Aw, gee whiz, why not? Bella's my sun, moon, and Earth all put together in a ravishingly beautiful Stephenie Meyer-like body," Jacob said, picturing her naked.

"Whoa man, enough of that," I hate my life, my thoughts, my family, and fucking Jacob.

"Heh, sorry," Jacob said, obviously not sincere about his apology because the image still lingered in his mind, "so can I help you guyz?"

"What the fuck is up with the 'z'?" Alice asked.

"Wellz I heard Bella talk like dat-" Jacob was cut off by my geniusness.

"Bella isn't a retard like you." I said gravely.

"Oooooh." Alice echoed.

There was a long silence, and gust of wind blew between us Cullens and then friggen Jacob. A tumbleweed of sorts shortly followed behind the breeze and then just stopped in the middle of us, and just laid there awkwardly. Kind of like Jacob's presence.

"Bella's not retarded?" Jacob asked, honestly curious.

"…Well…" Esme attempted to explain.

"See? This is y I h8 u guyz. U R never honest wif me!" Jacob said.

"SHUT. THE HELL UP. YOU JERKOFF." Alice yelled.

Despite our most trying efforts, Jacob decided to stay with us, ruining another one of the Twilight books.

Just then, a very ominous cloud overtook the light coming from the moon, which was considerably bright seeing as it was 8am and then sun was out. But who cares because the presence of a moon makes everything more depressing and somewhat bearable. Soon following the disappearance of my salvation, a bomb went off in the distance.

"Off in the distance? Are you an idiot?" Esme questioned my judgment of depth.

"Yes. I am serious. Because if a bomb went off somewhere in the distance it's more epic then, 'a bomb blew up 3 feet away from us but miraculously no one got hurt.' Plus this is my turn to narrate so just STFU!"

"Not NE more!"

Part 2: Shoot yourself because Jacob is taking the reigns.

Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella.

That's all I could think about for some reason. Even looking at Edward sitting there cursing me off, my brain couldn't decipher what he was saying. My thoughts were clouded in the mist that is Bella. All I could see was Bella's face. Staring at me… mouth open and a little drool coming out. God, it was so sexy. My brain finally allowed Edward's words in.

"What the fucking shit Jacob! You already had half of breaking dawn! This is my part of the story to narrate. No one wants to hear what you have to say! It's probably all about how you wish you were me!"

Whatever. He wouldn't understand my feelings. No one truly understood me except for Bella. Why? Why can't I be like Edward? He's so perfect and everything I'm not. I mean, if I was a girl, I would totally do him in a hot minute. But thankfully, I'm a boy.

"You're totally gross Jacob. For once I agree with emo, who suddenly turned into a hot-headed Tituba," Alice said.

"I believe you mean Tybalt," Esme corrected.

"Guys, stop talking like I'm not here! This book is already like three pages in and we got absolutely nothing done besides a damn narrator switch," Edward hissed. Like a snake. SSSSS~

"Well obviously the current author feels like you weren't doing a good job," Esme suggested.

"ESME! You have absolutely no personality and yet you got to narrate four freakin' books! Even when you were dead, you still narrated!" Edward was now fuming, obviously forgetting I was still here. I took this time to think more… to finally figure out how I'm going to save Bella from herself.

Surprisingly, I was distracted with images of Bella and I. Together. In bed-

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE A BETTER NARRATOR THAN ME?" Edward now just blew up. Literally. Sparks were flying.

Just then, as if an angel had been sent to me, Bella appeared.

"Ahhh ha ha ha, you guys seem to suck at life! You just blew up my biggest challenge! Way to go Jacob!" Bella snickered evilly.

"Wow, Bellah, you look…" words couldn't describe the way she looked. I mean, normally she would be borderline average, but now. Her hair, her clothes, her makeup, it was so… so…

"Bella, what the fuck happened to your face?" Alice asked.

"What's wrong with it?" Bella asked, completely distracted.

"It's hideous!" Esme said bluntly.

"That's a bit of an understatement," Alice added.

"You guys are just jealous of my extremely sexy natural beauty. Right Jacob?" Bella convinced herself.

I couldn't respond. Normally I would do anything to make Bella feel better inside, but for some reason I just couldn't. My mind went from Bella to…

Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward.

He was so much more attractive than she was. Had I made the biggest mistake of my life by causing him to blow up?

"…Jacob?" Bella asked.

"Bella. It is not you who I've been following all this time. But Edward. He's always with you so I thought I was actually always longing to be with you, but I was fooled. You're not sexy. And you don't have any natural beauty. Edward on the other hand…" I trailed off.

"What? You mean… someone _doesn't_ love me?" Bella then turned a strange pinkish red color. Following Edward's (mmm) lead, the sparks were flying again. But they weren't as beautiful.

"Jacob! You pretending to be gay ended up saving our lives!" Alice cried.

"…Pretending?" I asked.

"Genius! Wow, Jacob, I didn't notice how sexy you were…" Esme commented.

"…Sexy?" I asked.

And in that moment, I became the coolest kid on the block. I had saved the world after all. But I didn't save _my_ world.

As midnight rolled around, (yes this was a very long, long day) and the moon was peeking over the treetops, I could have sworn I heard my one true love speak.

"…Fuck you, Jacob…"


End file.
